Humor



This came off a mailing list that my mother receives:

TALKING DOG FOR SALE



A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house, Talking Dog For Sale.

He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.



The guy goes around the house and into the backyard and sees a handsome Labrador Retriever sitting there.



"You talk?" he asks.



"Yep," the Lab replies.



"So, what's your story?"



The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government. So I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all, they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."



The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.



"Ten dollars," says the owner.



The guy says, "This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"



"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

Humor



Some of these I've seen before--others are new. It was forwarded by an old lawyer friend:

Q: Are you sexually active?

A: No, I just lie there.

__________________________________

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July 15th.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

______________________________________

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

______________________________________

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

_____________________________________

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

_____________________________________

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Doris?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

______________________________________

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?

A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?

A: We do.

Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.

______________________________________

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

___________________________________

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

_____________________________________

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

______________________________________

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

______________________________________

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

______________________________________

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

______________________________________

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male or a female?

______________________________________

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

______________________________________

Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

______________________________________

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

______________________________________

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

______________________________________





SAVED THE BEST FOR LAST!!!!!!



Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

somewhere.

Good News Of Various Sorts



I had to put another notch (inward) on my belt. At this point, the next step is going to have to be a new belt. I am very pleased.



We waited a bit long on the property we wanted to buy. We probably could have gotten it for $50,000 if we had made an offer a week earlier, but another offer came in while we were dithering, so we had to offer full asking price to be sure of getting it. It's still a bargain at $55,000 (assessed at $74,000 by Boise County back in 2000). I don't think you could get a parcel this size with these sort of views in Sonoma County for less than $500,000.



Here are some higher resolution pictures of the views from the property.

Getting Ready To Build Our Dream Home



My wife has been irritated with living in what she calls "the fishbowl"--which is to say, we live on a 1/4 acre parcel near my job. She was hoping to get into a more rural setting when we came here, but at the time we moved to Boise, houses weren't selling in Sonoma County, so we had to buy relatively cheap. (I don't dare tell you what I mean by "cheap": the Californians will say, "Was that a down payment?" and most of the rest of the country will say, "That's not cheap!")



Anyway, we are in the process of buying a multiacre parcel with spectacular views. I've learned a lot about site-built vs. manufactured vs. modular housing the last few days--and I think we are going to be having a modular home built in a bit over a year, once our son is close to graduating. (We certainly aren't going to change his school this close to graduation.)



Here's one of the views.

Branching Out



If you know someone with a Losmandy GM-8 telescope mount, you might want to tell them about this little gadget that I have started manufacturing in my garage. The GM-8 mount is an excellent equatorial mount for telescopes up to about 30 pounds--nicely machined, and amazingly enough, still made in the United States (at least, until California decides to seceed from Jesusland).



The only "problem" (in quotes because it isn't really a deficiency, but a missing feature) with the GM-8 mount is that it doesn't come with wheels, so if you want to set up your telescope, you either need to be strong enough to pick up the mount, the tripod, and the telescope (typically about 70 pounds total), or you need to take the telescope off the mount, disconnect the cables, take out the three screws holding the mount to the tripod, then carry each of these parts out to where you are planning to set up. This is typically a 5-10 minute process--perhaps more at the end of your observing session, when it is now dark, cold, and you can't find one of the three screws that holds the mount to the tripod.



So my solution was to put wheels under it--which is a bit harder than it looks--at least, to do it elegantly. Unlike the competing product, which is general purpose, large, heavy, and costs $179.95, what I am making is specific to the GM-8, weighs less than two pounds, and has an introductory price of $40 plus shipping. There are many thousands (perhaps tens of thousands) of Losmandy GM-8 mounts in use, so I am hoping that this can turn into a small money maker. As my son-in-law observed over Thanksgiving, "Why, this could make tens of dollars!" Well, let's hope it's bit more than that.

Humor



It's concerning the announced merger of two major institutions:

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years. While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.



Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.



Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.

There's more.

Got To Do This Some Day



Mount Wilson Observatory's 60 inch reflector is available to rent: $450 for half night, and $900 for the full night. The focal length is 24380 mm--so even with a 25mm eyepiece, that's 975x. I would be amused to find out if the viewing conditions will tolerate that. I've read an account by someone who used the 60 inch reflector at 600x power on Saturn and the Moon back in the 1950s. Hmmm. Max group size is 25.



Let's see, if about 10 of us could pick a night, that would be $45 a piece for a half-evening. Of course, coordinating a time might be a struggle.