Humor About Philadelphia



I've had some less than positive things to say about Philadelphia, but overall, it was just ugly and a little scary. (If I hadn't been armed just about the whole time I was there, it might have been a lot scarier.) A reader contributes this:

My wife, who had the misfortune of working in Philadelphia for her first few jobs out of law school always thought that Philly should change its tourism slogan to



"Philadelphia, The City That Hates You Back"



Her tales of aggressive pan handlers, shocking poverty, rudeness from pretty much everyone, rampant public urination & defacation (including on the commuter trains) was best summed up when she told me that "Philadelphia just assaults you with its urbanness."



Like David Brenner jokes, "In New York, you ask somebody for the time, they'll ignore you. In Philly, they answer you with, 'What's the matter? You can buy a *&$&^% watch!' "

Humor



Click here for a funny bumper sticker about Kerry and Edwards.



Notice the clever beanie crown at the top of this blogger's page--don't know where it came from, but it's funny!

More Humor



I don't know the original source of this, but Dan Gifford sent it:

How CBS, ABC, and NBC would have reported the events of D-Day, the 6th

of June, 1944, if they happened today:



June 6, 1944. -NORMANDY-



Three hundred French civilians were killed and thousands more wounded today in the first hours of America's invasion of continental Europe. Casualties were heaviest among women and children.



Most of the French casualties were the result of artillery fire from American ships attempting to knock out German fortifications prior to the landing of hundreds of thousands of U.S. troops. Reports from a makeshift hospital in the French town of St. Mere Eglise said the carnage was far worse than the French had anticipated and reaction against the American invasion was running high.



"We are dying for no reason," said a Frenchman speaking on condition of anonymity. "Americans can't even shoot straight. I never thought I'd say this, but life was better under Adolph Hitler."



The invasion also caused severe environmental damage. American troops, tanks, trucks and machinery destroyed miles of pristine shoreline and thousands of acres of ecologically sensitive wetlands. It was believed that the habitat of the spineless French crab was completely wiped out, threatening the species with extinction.



A representative of Greenpeace said his organization, which had tried to stall the invasion for over a year, was appalled at the destruction, but not surprised.



"This is just another example of how the military destroys the environment without a second thought, " said Christine Moanmore. "And it's all about corporate greed."



Contacted at his Manhattan condo, a member of the French government-in-exile who abandoned Paris when Hitler invaded said the invasion was based solely on American financial interests. "Everyone knows the President Roosevelt has ties to big beer," said Pierre LeWimp. "Once the German beer industry is conquered, Roosevelt's beer cronies will control the world market and make a fortune."



Administration supporters said America's aggressive actions were based in part on the assertions of controversial scientist Albert Einstein, who sent a letter to Roosevelt speculating that the Germans were developing a secret weapon, a so-called "atomic bomb." Such a weapon could produce casualties on a scale never seen before and cause environmental damage that could last for thousands of years.



Hitler has denied having such a weapon and international inspectors were unable to locate such weapons even after spending two long weekends in Germany.



Shortly after the invasion began, reports surfaced that German prisoners had been abused by Americans. Mistreatment of Jews by Germans at so-called "concentration camps" has been rumored but so far, remains unproven.



Several thousand Americans died during the first hours of the invasion and French officials are concerned that uncollected corpses pose a public health risk. "The Americans should have planned for this in advance," they said. "It's their mess and we don't intend to clean it up."

Bad Editing, Or An Attempt At Humor?



JPL's recent press release mentions the evidence that the area the Rovers are exploring was not only wet once, but wet twice--which might explain why the press release is a bit repetitive:

About six months ago, Opportunity established that its exploration area was wet a long time ago. The area was wet before it dried and eroded into a wide plain. The team's new findings suggest some rocks there may have gotten wet a second time, after an impact excavated a stadium sized crater.



By six months ago, Opportunity had established that the area it is exploring was soaking wet long ago, before it dried and eroded into a wide plain. New findings raise the possibility that some rocks there may also have gotten wet a second time, after an impact excavated a stadium-sized crater in the plain.

Or are they worried that many people need to be told the news twice, to make sure it sinks in?

File Under "Humor"



I would not encourage anyone to do this. It probably wouldn't really work, and besides, it could be used the other direction, also. But it's still pretty funny!

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their

days interesting. I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on buddy, don't be a jerk. How about giving a senior a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.



I called him a bad name. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a way worse name. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.



This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner and this one had a Kerry-Edwards bumper sticker on it.



I try to have a little fun each day, now that I'm retired.

Various Odds & Ends Of My Recent Trip to Philadelphia



Impala vs. Deer



I never pay for Collision Damage Waiver when renting a car. In theory, your car insurance should cover everything except the deductible, and I usually use a Gold MasterCard, because that covers everything up to $25,000 valuation, which certainly includes the deductible. (I first found out about this when I was renting a car in Britain, where my domestic car insurance wouldn't apply.)



Well, this time around, the rental car guy at Enterprise was pushing a little, not unreasonably hard, so I took the CDW. It was only $18 a day, and I will be getting reimbursed for the travel expenses anyway. (If you've contributed money to the NRA Civil Rights Legal Defense Fund--that's where some of your funding goes.)



In spite of my worst fears of Philadelphia drivers deciding to play bumper cars with me, I had absolutely no problems--until the last day, about 100 miles north of Philly. I was coming out of the Jacobsburg State Historic Park, where the Henry Gun Factory was. A deer came running across the road at high speed, in a place where the trees are just about up to the road. I was going 50 mph, and there was no way to stop in time.



It made a terrible noise, broke headlights on the left, dented the hood in the middle, and removed the right sideview mirror. I felt really bad about this--deer are among the more beautiful wildlife, and this was a perfect doe. There are advantages to driving a full-sized car, however. In the battle between 4000 pounds of car and 120 pounds of deer, that momentum meant that I didn't lose control of the car, nor was the care undriveable. Having paid for the CDW, I didn't even have a deductible to pay.



Philadelphia Cheese Steak



I grew up in Santa Monica. In Venice, on Lincoln Blvd., there was a ratty little stand called Great Western Steak & Hoagie. They served their notion of a Philly Cheese Steak with a sign that said, "3000 miles to Philly. Eat here."



Having now sampled Philadelphia's versions of the cheese steak sandwich, including those produced by Pat's King of Steaks (who claim to have originated the concept in 1930), I can't say that the Venice version is any worse.

My Review of the Aries Chromacor



Is now up at astromart.com, here.